this morning i woke up from a dream that went on for so long in dream-time that my sense of time was disoriented when i woke. in the dream i had a baby, a small shrivelled ugly thing, and it was born on solstice. i didn't want to name it for a long time in the dream because i dissociated while birthing it so as not to feel pain, and the lack of pain in birthing it made me feel largely alienated from it and almost like it wasn't mine -- the meaning here, i suppose, being that pain connects us with not only the primal/animalistic "mothering" instinct -- something i am OBESSED with and long to feel for myself more than anything -- but that pain also connects us with each other. but then i walked into the sun with someone and as i felt the sun on my skin they said "this is what god feels like", so i named the baby lugh. also i think i drank during the pregnancy so this is probably why the baby looked so shrivelled and ugly and sad. when i woke from the dream i ate oatmeal and then logan and leo and i went to the mall. i bought lots of objects: dried fermented plums and a copy of neil gaiman's american gods for my grandma, a copy of stephen king's the gunslinger for my grandpa, bar shampoo and conditioner and a keychain with goldstone and a sun motif on it for my mom, a funny jesus figurine for my aunt. now i only have my brothers and dad left to christmas shop for.
tomorrow i am going to the art museum with robin, a place we used to spend many many hours as teenagers so it will be very nice to return. then i may get the tullstorp runestone tattooed on me because i cannot stop thinking about it. and/or my parents and i may go dancing. generally, i feel things are very good. there is a lot lot lot of snow which is good, because it means the bad news i have been expecting (given patterns around this time of year) may not be coming at all. and now i am going to go take a bath with my mom's nice hippie soaps and oils and things.
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